For my third installment, I’m going to get a little deep. As I mentioned from the start, I don’t really have an outline or a plan for where this blog may go. All that I know is that I feel that I have many life experiences that I can pass on to the next generation of leaders. So this installment is going to focus on self care and more specifically targeted for all my fellas out there! The title for this installment is a line that I feel I could have trademarked. Regardless of my circumstance, regardless of my day, regardless of my attitude, if you asked me how I was doing, my response was always…”I’m fine”.

OK, so I’m gonna take you back, because in many cases the way you are today is forged as a result of your childhood. I grew up in a small town, I mean a small town! My aunt was my English teacher, my cousin was my chemistry teacher, my grandfather was the bus driver and my uncle was the fire chief. As a result of this small town living, everyone knew what was going on, and no one ever let on that everything may not be alright all the time. Myself included, I secretly struggled with things like being smaller in school and getting bullied in junior high and freshman year, but I internalized and proclaimed “I’m fine”.

Later in life, my wife and I starting having marital struggles like every couple will have in their marriage, but my reaction was to “power through” because “I’m fine”. As our struggles continued and my denial continued, enter another trait I picked up from childhood, the art of isolation. Let me tell you I was a hot mess, but darn it, I convinced myself, “I’m fine!” This was a disastrous recipe that almost cost me my marriage.

As people and more specifically all the men out there, we are so good at working out, weightlifting and hiring trainers for our bodies, but have never considered hiring a “trainer” for the single most important organ in your body, your mind! As my marriage continued to deteriorate, I finally realized that I needed someone to help me work, refine and improve my mind so I finally broke down and started visiting a therapist. A therapist is not just someone you use in the bad times. Similarly, just like you exercise all the time, you should use a therapist in good times.

While therapy has done some incredible things for me in my personal life the last six years, it has also help me profoundly in improving leadership qualities such as:

1. How to tell the truth, but say it with grace focusing on the specific action versus the person
2. Everyone has stuff, and what you can do as a leader owning and actioning on what is within your control, otherwise you will inherently burn out because of frustration or worse take out that frustration on your team members
3. Find joy and gratitude, it exists in everything and everywhere, as bad as it gets there is something you can be thankful for
4. Prioritize: you’re never going to be good at everything all the time in balancing being a boss, a spouse, a parent, a friend, etc. Come to the realization that one of those may be deprioritized at a certain point in time.

Everyone has messes and if your the one saying “I’m fine” all the time, most likely you need the most help! If you need validation of your messiness…just ask your significant other! I’m sure he/she will be happy to give you a reality check!

Bonus Track: Several months ago I was meeting with my therapist sharing how stressful my work was, and I was unable to find a way to decompress. She told me something that really struck me so I’m going to share with y’all. She said, in general, those that work with their minds must find rest with their hands, and those that work with their hands must find rest with their minds. This clicked and make total sense to me! That’s why I hate games, puzzles, etc., because they don’t really rest my mind since I work so much with my mind. But, I really like to cook! I am by no means a gourmet cook and generally, I don’t even like to closely follow a recipe, but it totally makes sense. I find joy in using my hands to cook! See, free therapy just for you!